AdrianCrowe

I’m weepy today. I’m scared today. I’m deeply saddened today. My heart aches and my stomach is in knots. There is SO much. I am in turbulent winds, wrestling with angels and demons. Trying to find a place to catch my breath. I’m fiercely protective today. I am reaching my arms out trying to encompass the world. I am screaming for quiet and calm and peace the country over today. I’m stronger today.

We used to sit in the bath, drinking Muscat as the heavily scented bubbles turned slowly into a tepid milky water. It was over when we drained the tub. We used to walk down to the pier with a six pack of ale to watch the birds implore old men for bread as the sun set, and the chill set in. It was over when the last bottle was empty. It was over when we said our vows. It was over before it even began.

We are raised to believe that negativity is of fallacy and that positivity is the only way to live a conflict free existence. One should not dare to speak in catharsis for it shall be viewed in pathetic light and dismissed entirely upon entering in such a wise man's ears. But as for myself? I shall do it anyways.

I'm horrible because I abused people's trust. And yet I also trust no one. I wait for them to love me and then I take what I can from them. Mostly simple things, like time and love and attention. But, generally, I don't have any regard to their feelings, and I get bored easy, so I leave them. I didn't want to leave Kal. Even after he lied to me, I wanted to work things out. I begged, pleaded, compromised and cried to no avail. I broke then, that is where it shattered I think, I wanted out, but I just couldn't picture what that would look like. I drank to excess. I talked to men and women. I would inevitably feel awful about it. Too guilty to

I am conflicted There is too much to say. Too much It's contradictory I'd rather stay a voluntary mute. If only you could stare into my eyes And see all the tears That have long ago dried up If you could look at the soles of my feet And see all the places I have come from Look at my fucking scars See how I've been hurt, cut, broken and abused Marvel at how I healed If only you could imagine how I've broken and torn myself apart To build a better image of myself One that I can respect If you could fathom The frightened little girl who hid Who ran away Who grew up to drink and smoke and cursed too much The woman I have become With cold

It is becoming increasingly difficult to be present. I feel like the lucidity of a moment can only catch my eye every so often, and up until that point.. where am I? I recognize the moment of clarity, it seems that those around me recognize it too. I am congratulated for coming back into the world, if only for a short while longer. I am rejoiced upon when I can look someone knowingly in the eye and speak words to them and not at them. It will not last, this they know. They seem to as eager for the next phase to begin as they were for this one. My mania has become a routine in which those around me have come to rely upon. What they see and wh

I lay on solids and liquids reverberating through crystals and quartz. I tick like a clock wind like a spring. I'm breathing water exhaling smoke. I am the incandescent of the fluorescent And I'm Floating. I'm dreaming a dream in which I don't actually want to wake up. I am the horizon. I am the beginning of nothing The end of everything. I feel sunshine and see stars above me; the brackish abyss below. My fingertips are frozen upon the surface. My face is burnt off rays from above. There is no middle that is not me. There is no greater judge or surveyor. I am floating. As I. Am. The. Horizon.

I shouldn't think about it. Or Should I? I shouldn't look for you in every dark corner of my mind. I shouldn't drag you along on the treacherous search for someone who isn't there anymore. You're there, but you're not there. You're not available. You're not respondent. You're not everything I want you to be; because you can't be and you don't have enough of yourself to give me. You've already given me too much. I am greedy and selfish and a victim of my own making. I want you to need me. I want to be the reason you breathe a shallow breath, the monster under the bed, the "why" you can't sleep at night.  I want you to beg at my knees to take